It finally happened. I knew it would. How I ever thought it would not only goes to show that I still have a hard time finding that middle line.
I started this second blog to journal the paths that I have taken and will continue to take for medical reasons. I already addressed why this is not being done on my main blog, which truth be told would be easier. But I wanted a certain point to this blog and I do not still want it to bleed into my Barefoot Baroness blog for obvious reasons to myself and those that know me.
I have been battling myself with this blog, that blog, no this one, for a few days. Not being up to writing for great periods of time also has been a hindrance. But there is this strange loyalty I feel to my first blog, what I shall always refer to as my main blog. I have been behind again this week in reading those blog authors I enjoy following, behind in the kind comments that people take out of their own time to write, and this after taking a longer time from their day to read the post. I cannot get behind on thanking and responding back to these comments because in my world that is just plain rude. Not just impolite, but rude!
So therefore my dilemma has been this past couple weeks whether to write what I want, what I need, or catch up. I cannot spend hours on the computer even if I was so inclined because of what is going on with my neck. The cervical issues in my spine is what causes my neck, upper back, shoulders & arms, head & face to hurt. It is what causes after a certain period of time of typing my left arm to ache to the core of its bone and causes my fingers and hands to go numb. It goes away once I get up and move around, shaking the pure life force back into them through my own blood rushing back into those fingers that feel like your foot might after sitting on it for enough time that it goes ro what we call asleep. Dividing time that I can write currently has been my heartbreak. I have topics and feelings that need to be expressed, that need to be written for both blogs.
This has added to the frustration I have been feeling this week.
I have decided to throw all caution to the wind, let the comment and new posts alerts sit in my email box. I do hope you all will forgive me. I have opted to do what my heart, my mind, and my soul is crying out for me to do. Write this particular post. get it off my chest. Take the time and good position I have, and am in, to write what is sitting at the base of my throat. Waiting and filling up creating the lump that is not going go away unless I either write about what is causing it in a proactive way, or ignore the lump until it begins to form into tears instead.
I need to take advantage of this good position I am at the moment and write this now
No more frustration of my own making.
Position has a lot to do with causing the tingling and numbness I have in my fingers and hands. How I am sitting, what way my neck is bent. So jumping at this time when all feeling is present is a key thing to getting down what I need to be expressed.. I can move certain ways to either make it numb or to get the feeling back into my hands and fingers for a certain period of time. When I showed Dr Swift after he asked if there was any position that makes it worse he simply looked at me and commented,” “That is really interesting!” When I asked him what it was he found interesting he said, “That you can bend your neck certain ways and cause the symptoms to come and go”
” Really Doctor?” Cause I thought this is what you were asking.
I am still kind perplexed over this one and as I sit here typing these very words I realize that it was a rather cheeky response from him.
And I am frustrated.
I do not, and may not, ever understand why doctors feel that speaking in riddles and cryptically is so worthwhile. If it is to keep a patient off guard and unaware of what the doctors left hand is doing with the right it is working. It also than iirritates me. I am going to try to believe that there is some clinical reason for this kind of interactions with a patient. I should say some doctors here and not all. That would not be true. I have been blessed twice in my lifetime to have two different doctors, primary doctors who are as real as people as a John Smith. The first was our family doctor, Dr Scott. He took care of my husband & I and our girls their whole childhoods and even partly into young adulthood. Almost 20 years with one family doctor. Unheard of. In fact he has even seen my oldest granddaughter when she would be in her mom;s hometown and in need of a doctor for an ear infection etc. He will always be a member of our family unit, invited to all big celebrations and milestones. Dr Scott is one of the kind of doctors who if he does not know the answer will tell you so – and get a source to look it up right with you there. A concerted combined effort which I always have appreciated in him. And he never apologized for it. My 2nd doctor, Dr Jeff was is just as real and with no false pretenses. I rather appreciate that take on life, especially from my doctors.
I was finally get hooked up with Dr Swift here in town where I live after some struggles. And two years of asking what or who can I see that can help. I was not satisfied with “You’ll have to learn to live with it” With the support of my husband and a very good friend I was reassured that this was not my solution, nor should it be anyones. That I had to keep looking, hunting, doctor shopping (although in terms different than usually meant) and seeing other providers, If took some doing getting into see Dr Swift, which is shared in prior posts here on this blog. Now that I am seeing him and we have the two test injections which were required before moving forward with a less invasive procedure I am praying is going to help, I find I am stuck in limbo once again.
Frustration is climbing even more. No matter that I am fighting it with all I have left after first coping with being in pain 24/7; it’s out of my control and climbing up farther anyway.
I really do not mean to be ungracious. Or with no belief or faith in the system and community that our medical providers bring to the game. All the paperwork and red tape that comes with it, the jumping through this hoop, that one too, being a compliant patient because they hold what right now is the power to help me regain the semblance of my life back. I do not want to risk getting on the wrong side of the doctor. or his staff. They are my way out. of this lifestyle of living in pain 24/7.
After speaking to Dr Swift almost two weeks ago we agreed that going forward was a good solution for me. I spoke with him about the possible outcomes, any risks involved, and recovery. And where we could go from here. He assured me that taking one step at a time, especially with cervical procedures, was a prudent thing to do. I felt good when we ended the phone call, he explained to me that the next step for me at that point was seeing to that the paper work for pre-auth with my insurance company was in place and submitted to the insurance com[any.
This brings me to a week ago and I know the pre-auth has ben approved. And still I wait. And still my frustration continues to climb. I am beginning to answer my famuily in short snappy responses, I am not tolerant of much right now. It’s a real divide for my personality because I tend to be a pretty up and happy go lucky person.
But I am frustrated, and it is growing.
To be continued……